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Deep within my being, fierce and savage battle rages; my very soul in cataclysmic flames - Armageddon has arrived to end all that has been and perhaps all that could be - for this is a battle between that which I am and that which I could be; and it is a battle to the death, for only one - or none - can be victor.
If that which I am vanquishes that which could - and should - be, then all must arise to crush, rend, and destroy the horrifying creature that has emerged from the smoking pit before it annihilates them - great and terrible will be the fall, for the demon will take all it can with it, destroying everything in its own apocalyptic funeral pyre - leaving naught but vast, barren, smoking wastes where once before there was life...
This is what I was - elemental power, living only to obtain more and more power at any cost; crushing all who blocked my desires with cold, cynical, ruthless attack - this creature must die in order that the being I could be and desire to be can exist; one that gives of itself without thought of recompense, one that is satisfied in knowing those it desires to help and has helped need it; a creature that bases all on love.
But, at this moment, seething forces battle within, laying waste to my heart and mind - one moment my entire being seeks revenge for wounds inflicted out of ignorance and lack of trust; yet then seeks but to turn the other cheek. Bitter conflict rends my mind, waves of pain and loneliness break and shatter against the cliffs, the ramparts guarding my core - if mistrust, and loneliness its bastard son find me, then there shall be but one result - that which was shall once again rule supreme, and death shall walk my shores once more, once more to destroy those who wish to befriend me, to help me find love yet don't know how. Once more, I shall walk alone and violence shall be my sole companion in the night...
But; let one person who trusts and yet has no basis for trust; let one such person stand guard upon my ramparts for my sake; then shall the corroding forces of loneliness be vanquished, freeing me to defeat that being which desires to steal my mind and soul, freeing me to turn him back forever into the darkness and eternal hell which spawned him, which vomited him forth - that which has been must die, but can only die when there is someone to stand with me, to give me reason to fight back - if there is no one; then there is no reason to continue the quest for that which should have been - and the being that could have been will fade back into the dreams and mists from which it had birth--
June 29, 1973
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